Peace of Mind at work: not so much

I definitely learned some things this week in my practice of applying Austerity #1: manah-prasadah (peace of mind) at work. Overall the experience was a good one. In a short week of work, three days rather than 5, I did well 2 out of 3 days. Day 1 I managed to remain calm, not to get whipped up into strong emotions. Sounds like nothing, but in the climate I work in, strong winds blow. Day 2 I cultivated a cheerfulness which was extremely helpful. Day 3, yesterday, felt neither calm nor cheerful. At all. It was just the same as before, but perhaps that's a helpful contrast.

There's something to be said for choosing a short week to apply a new principle at work. The amount of constant self-awareness and devotion required for me to remain cheerful in every situation at work -- and there are situations I'm in which seriously push every button I've got -- is intense. Holding on to that for less than 5 days, as a starting point, was probably a good idea. The problem is that the pressure level in short weeks is actually higher than in a regular week, since the demands on me are unrelenting, relentless. No matter how present I am able to be physically or mentally, the expectations of work-delivery remain exactly the same, so that I am pushed to accomplish in 3 days what in "normal" circumstances I would have completed in 5. The stress level is ridiculous.

Also, I'm seriously a crazy lady who didn't bother to look at the calendar. This week, the second week of the month, is when I am most at risk for a migraine. It is when I need to do the best possible job I can of managing my personal physical conditions so as to escape the skull-crushing multi-day headache -- drink lots of water, chill, sleep, chill, practice, chill. But really all I can do is minimize and manage the risk factors, because what I've learned is that I can't turn off the hormonal triggers. I just need to do what I can on the other factors, to arrest the pain before it hits 10.

You could argue that this would be the perfect week to practice some Peace of Mind, but any of the three other weeks would have been slightly less of an uphill battle. All things considered, I'm not unhappy with the experiment and plan to continue next week (a 4-day week), layering on Austerity #2: saumya (gentleness). I'm stealing a little saumya for myself right now as I review the past week -- no point being critical of how it went, I'm just observing.

It occurred to me yesterday again that at its core, the work situation I'm in is unhealthy and that all of my attempts to improve my own reactions in it, while laudable of course, will not change that fundamental dysfunction. There is really only one solution which puts my own well-being first, and that's a step that I must defer. In the meantime, I will boldly continue to apply the austerities everywhere in my life, even at work, working on the project that is Me. It's more fun that way, believe me!

Cancer Advisory Threat Level: Guarded

Another day, another doctor appointment: I tagged along to Joe's appointment with his oncologist today, with my list of questions. Because we're still waiting to have PET scan #3, our personal Cancer Threat Level (stealing from the Department of Homeland Security, because what could be more your homeland than your own sweet body?) is now reduced to Guarded. That's a lovely change from the Severe and High threat levels of the past 7 months. Oh hallelujah and thank you doctors, nurses, pharmacists, pharmaceutical companies, lab animals, researchers, family and friends!

As Dr. Maloney put it, Joe passes. As far as Dr. Maloney is concerned, Joe is cured. Yes, there may be recurrence in future, but right now, Joe is done.

Now we heard these words and didn't quite jump out of our chair, off our exam table, because remember, there's still that tonsil business and PET scan #3 to get through. But Maloney thinks it's really unlikely that the tonsil thing is lymphoma and reminded us that not all uptake indicates cancer.

If it weren't for that tonsil, we'd be at Threat Level: Low. The PET scan is in a couple of weeks and once we have those results in, then we might really strike up the band.

Maloney is expecting we'll see nothing on that scan. That's what we all want. But at least, if that tonsil still lights up when the radioactive sugar hits Joe's bloodstream, then that tonsil and its partner will just come on out of his body altogether, scoring him a couple of weeks of recuperation, popsicles and pain-killers. They'll biopsy the thing, and we'll know once and for all.

So yes, guardedly, we are jumping around, doing a little Snoopy dance. Almost there, people. The real terrorist among us is almost eliminated, may it go away and not come back on any day.

Lymphoma: are we done?

We went to see Dr. Chien today (not Chin as I thought before) regarding Joe's right tonsil which was still causing some concern among the doctors. This has been worrisome, since we would really like to put the whole Cancer Incident behind us and move on. I think we heard good news.

Dr. Chien said that the MRI didn't really show much there on the right tonsil. And that the second PET scan had shown less uptake than the first (reminder that uptake is taken as an indication of hungry cancer cells). If the Something on the right tonsil was indeed involved with the lymphoma, then theoretically the chemo would handle it. The fact that the uptake value went down on PET scan #2 is a good, but not clear, sign.

I then had the distinct delight of watching Dr. Chien thread a scope into Joe's right nostril after numbing it, so he could get a closer look at the tonsils. Amazing. And Joe says the scope smelled like pumpkin pie.

Dr. Chien didn't see anything weird or suspicious, but has recommended that Joe have a third PET scan to see whether there has been further change in uptake. Since the second PET scan was after Joe's fourth of 6 rounds of chemo, it's entirely possible (crossing fingers, lighting candles in my mind) that the chemo was still working on this area and that chemos #5 and #6 knocked it out completely?

So we'll see. Early in April, Joe will have PET scan #3 to see what's going on in there. If the tonsil lights up, then we're on to tonsillectomy. We could skip the PET scan and go straight to tonsillectomy, but having seen what it did to Laurent when he had one two years ago, we'd rather only do it if absolutely necessary.

I'm treating this as good news, inconclusive but good. Phew!

Adventures in Austerity

While I wait for Amazon to ship my copy of Gurumayi's "Sadhana of the Heart," which contains, I am told, everything I really need to know to ground myself deeply in the austerities of the mind, I am still researching on the interwebs and conducting my little experiment.

In an article on hinduismtoday.com, Swami Jyotirmayananda writes:

Manah prasadah means to allow the mind to be joyous. People who have been accustomed to think of austerity as something crude will be surprised by this. In Yoga philosophy, austerity is not supposed to give you pain, but discipline you so that the spirit flows in a healthy, unobstructed way through your personality. Thus, the effort to maintain cheerfulness of the mind is a dynamic aspect of austerity.

My definition didn't include this joyousness of the mind, though I can see a path to it. My first day's manah-prasadah effort at work was really more about eliminating the big swings of negative emotion, the anger and irritation. I just wanted to savor a sense of inner calm. And that, surely, is the way to cultivating the cheerfulness of the quote above, but there can't be cheerfulness when there's so much annoyance.

The Day One experiment went pretty well. I decided that it might be helpful to note the triggers, to keep a running list of what specifically seems to set me off. Of course, the very idea of writing it down made me feel better, since it really did give the whole endeavor the feeling of an exercise, bought me some necessary distance.

From the very first moment when I opened my Monday morning email, I was conscious of how early and quickly I can get triggered, leading to entries #1 and #2 on my list:

- spazzy, misspelled, over-broadcast emails by [my boss].
- TMI by [employee X].

But just writing that down made me feel a lot better, took a lot of the energy out of the reaction. [And interesting how both of those have to do with communication style of two individuals with very seepy boundaries.]

Through two challenging meetings yesterday morning, back-to-back, I managed to maintain my poise, largely unruffled, very aware of my words and reactions. I did lose it a bit in the afternoon [entry #3: "[employee X's] passive aggressive disregard for direction she doesn't like."] but all in all can count the day a succcess, if only for the sustained attention to the state of my own mind.

If nothing else, I'm thinking about communication and how my own irritation is really a defense against what I feel are incursions into the quiet of my own space. The peace of mind is really just a knowing that no matter how much spazzy TMI comes my way, it really doesn't affect my internal state unless I let it.

Like Laura said in class on Saturday, "How bad do you want awakening?" I want it BAD so it's on me to stay with this practice, cultivate that cheerfulness of mind which is actually my nature but tends to desert me in the office. Pretty hard work!

Manah-prasadah at work: this is going to be interesting

I said I'd work on applying the austerities at work this week, starting with manah-prasadah, 1st of the 5. So I'm re-reading my notes and thinking and laying the groundwork to pull this off.

So, manah-prasadah -- peace of mind. Stated another couple of ways: self satisfaction and serenity free from mental imbalances; tranquility due to self satisfaction; mental purity due to the absence of lust, anger and greed. I am interpreting it to mean equanimity of mind, an absence of strong emotions that take me over, an abiding peacefulness that has its origins in an inner calm.

Yep, this is going to be interesting.

I find that at work, I am routinely reacting to the craziness of the people around me and angered by emails and demands and the people I manage. If anyone is in need of some peace of mind at work, it's me. But it's going to require that yogic discipline for sure, a lot of it, lots of repetition. On the other hand, if anything is going to teach me peace of mind, honestly it's work, since if I can pull it off there, I ought to be the equal to any challenge.

And that, really, has got to be the whole point. It's not enough to have a contented mind when standing on the mat, practicing with a bunch of friends with the same outlook and same intentions. It's pretty easy to get along and feel peaceful when everybody is there for the same purpose. Work is just not like that, so that's where I'm going to roll out this manah-prasadah, see if I can hold that pose for any extended period.

Wish me luck!

I live in a temple of love

Today Joe finished the new fence around the front of our yard, the fence that he started on the sneak on Valentine's Day. I was away at yoga all day, and when I came home that night, lo and behold my sneaky spouse had begun the first panel of the long-planned fence. Every spare moment since that weekend he has been out there making that fence, delighting particularly in working on it while I'm gone or when I'm not expecting it so that he can surprise me.

The fence project has been such a glory, such a pleasure. It's beautiful, of course, and represents hours of Joe's love and creativity and attention. And I know that although he does it for us, really he's doing it for me, delighting in adding elements that he knows I'll love, every board a loving touch.

And that's really something, knowing that what he does, he does so much for me. But it gets bigger.

For us the fence celebrates Joe's triumphant return, a spring like none other, made so much brighter after the nightmare winter darkness of cancer. Just as he used to -- but we forgot he was like this, cancer erasing what "normal" feels like -- Joe is up and at it from the moment it's light enough to see to the moment it's too dark to operate tools, clearing and beautifying and making this place where we live a paradise, a temple of love. In every room and in every corner of the yard, there is something that Joe has made. We are living inside our very own Taj Mahal.

Every time I look at the fence, I remember something Laurent said to Joe, when Laurent was very young -- "Dad, you're the bestest maker." I still say it, because really, truly, he is. Yes, we may now the nicest front yard on the block, but honestly that's nothing compared to what I see when I look at it: a life and love that just keep getting bigger and stronger and better, 20 1/2 years in.

Working the Austerities

We have been WORKING it in yoga with Laura since before the end of 2009, focused on keeping the fire of our new year's intentions stoked and burning bright. In January, we started working our way through the austerities, one every week or so, each one building on the last, a tidy little structure of yogic discipline.

The timing couldn't be better, since I really want this to be The Year that I realize a major transformation. As I wrote in my pitch for a blogger contest recently, "This year, my Year of Intention, I’ll be using yoga deliberately to stay committed to my vision and to jump out in a new direction, and documenting how a devoted practice is deeply transformative, on and off the mat." The emphasis on the austerities is so helpful in this regard, keeping me on the straight-and-narrow, bringing me back when I forget.

The austerities are described in the Bhagavad-Gita, 17:16, which reads:

manah-prasadah saumyatvam
maunam atma-vinigrahah
bhava-samsuddhir ity etat
tapo manasam ucyate

which means:

Peace of mind, gentleness,
silence, self-restraint,
and purity of consciousness
are the austerities of the mind.

So January 30th, we started with manah-prasadah, peace of mind. The big lesson I took away from this was using the body to calm the mind. During saumya week, we practiced gentleness, using only as much strength as necessary, backing off, being sweet in the poses. Mauna: we practiced without talking, listening to each other. Atma-vinigraha: self-restraint translated into muscle energy, pulling in to the core, in every pose cultivating a solid center. Finally, this week -- bhava-samsuddhi -- the cleansing of consciousness, letting go of negative thinking, seeing with Shiva drishti.

Like the universal principles of alignment, the trick is to eventually incorporate all 5 of the austerities simultaneously without having to think about it, so that it's just normal behavior. It's pretty easy to stay focused, to remember, when you're just doing 1 for an hour and a half in class. So as my own personal challenge, now that we've cycled through the 5 in class, is to roll out each one in a concerted way for a whole week at work, which seriously is the biggest area of challenge in my life right now. I sometimes pause and ask myself, before I speak at work, "What if my teacher could see me now? Would she be pleased?" I could do a lot better.

This transformation I'm about this year is not just external, not just wanting to break free of the job I'm in and be more creative day-to-day. It's not just creating the small urban farm I'm dreaming about, and making space for chickens in my life. It's really about whether I can, in a disciplined manner, use the tools that yoga provides, to make a happier life right now, not just when I've accomplished those goals. Right Now, every day, every moment.

And the only way to get there is through the austerities, through a disciplined commitment to my own self, to my own desires, to the unfolding of my own vision. This year is going to be great!

Thanks for reading!