fat for me

My delightful friend Jen uses this expression, "fat for me."  She's a yoga teacher and personal trainer and someone who is starting her own wellness coaching business, and is all-around gorgeous -- and yet she, like the rest of us, struggles with weight and body image, etc.  One day as we were driving to yoga together, she was telling a story and described her sense of herself at that moment as "fat for me." As in not necessarily really and truly fat, but just fatter than I want to be, fatter than is comfortable for me.  Fat for me.

I'm thinking about this expression this morning a lot as I prepare to go have lunch with a friend who has been on a weight-loss kick *and* daily yoga binge for months, even as I have been on break from practice and eating whatever I want, even as my jeans have gotten tighter.  I am definitely fat for me right now, so I'm feeling nervous about seeing her.

So lame, right?

I'm totally happy for her, of course.  I know she feels great, which is wonderful.  But it's strange to be so idle, to observe the loss of definition, to know that it's going to be a bitch of an uphill battle to get back what I had so recently.

And to be so fat for me.

But there it is.  I know this is just a phase I'm going through, this particular period of fat for me, but if I'm being honest, it does hold me back, make me want to stay home, want me want to avoid people because I am not comfortable in my own skin.

Naturally, we're going out for sandwiches, which will represent a departure from her current regimen of  not eating carbs.  Hah, no change for me in my current carbotarian ways.  But seriously, I think I've hit the outer limit of fat for me today.  And there's no way I'm going clothes-shopping right now so it's high-time to reverse this expanding trend and start contracting.

So, yes to sandwiches today, and then I'm done with the fat for me for now.  To yoga at 6 and back on the routine.  It's going to be challenging at first, but that's ok: I miss feeling great.  Can't wait to get that back.