Friday, August 15, 2008

Trying to get out, getting sucked back in...

I am on track to make some really big shifts and am really marveling at how strong resistance is. I'm not surprised, really -- maybe I'm just impressed by how much force can be marshalled.

Laura said the other night that when you start to feel veiled and contracted, then come back to center, plug in and re-expand from there. Really trying to keep those words in front of me.

I am definitely feeling veiled 5 days a week, asked to keep the truth to myself, operating at the margins of what I think is correct. And chafing at the necessity. Losing sleep, trying to keep the [inevitable?] migraine at bay. Pulled in multiple directions, which makes me think of the migraine as the result of this seismic break in my awareness -- the fault-line that is building pressure. And building pressure, and building pressure, fed by holding back, not releasing the bottled-up thoughts and feelings in words. If I always acted according to my code -- i.e., only do what you want to do, don't do what you don't want to do -- then I wonder if I would stop having these mind-splitting headaches? Heavy...

Anyway, the thing that's totally ridiculous and irritating is that all I want is just to be done, to move on, to get on with it, and that the situation has actually gotten worse rather than better since I announced my intention to change. I need to take a breather, come back to center, figure out what I need to say, then expand back out in full confidence of that truth and SAY IT. I'm done spinning at someone else's behest, just to keep her company.

Thanks, Laura. I needed that.

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