Thursday, January 20, 2011

Personal Spanda: Then Expanding, Now Contracting

I'm certain that somewhere in my interminable blog-ramblings I've written about spanda before, this sense of reality and consciousness being in a constant dynamic state, expanding and contracting. In Anusara this is a common concept, embedded in every pose and every class, expanding first, then contracting, then expanding again.  What's wonderful is the way in which spanda appears to be a scientific truth.  The universe itself is ever-expanding, scientists say.  

Spanda is my mental companion these days, as I contemplate my jeans. 

That's right: my pants.

Like a little universe all of my own, I expanded my known boundaries last year, to the point that my jeans have become a too-snug container.  I can rationalize this all kinds of ways -- I was busy making other changes, I worked really hard, I expanded my consciousness in other directions.  But the bottom line (ha ha ha) is that I got fat.

Damn it.

I know it's a temporary state, that with self-awareness and some discipline I can shrink back down, but it's still demoralizing.  I wish I didn't care about it, that I could have a bigger ass and not care, but I'm sorry to announce that my enlightenment just does not so far encompass comfort with a large caboose.  And I'm not sure that any amount of meditation or yoga will make me OK with it.  So, it's on to contraction.

In my head I hear echoes of my sweet husband's words, when I gingerly mentioned my jeans the other day.  First, he blamed the pants, proving that he is awesome.  When I pointed out that it wasn't the jeans, it was me, he said, "Well, honey, they fit before, so they can fit again."  Yes, he is really and truly perfect.

This physical contraction that I need to make this year really is so ridiculously consistent with my overall theme of viveka, discernment, of pulling in to the mid-line, choosing what's best for me instead of saying Yes to everything like I did last year.  I'm being sensible about it, although I will admit that when insomnia strikes lately, the first thing my mind grinds through is my own expansion and how unhappy it makes me.  

So yes, contracting a little bit, pulling in, saying No sometimes instead of always Yes.  It's the way of the universe.  Now the way of my jeans.

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