Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hey insomnia, where ya been?

Because it's (finally) after 4am, I'm up and drinking coffee, eating toasted naan with a smidge of delicious butter. I say Finally, since I've been awake for hours, since 2:30, the wheels in my head turning non-stop, deep rhythmic breathing notwithstanding...

The irony for me, of course, is that this was actually a day on which I was planning on sleeping in a bit -- til 7:30-ish -- planning to go to a later yoga class to allow me some precious morning hours at home, writing or in the garden, without having to rush off either to work or somewhere else. Generally it pains me to leave here during the morning glory, right now especially, in this early early part of summer. And it's 7 days a week, honestly, that I do a fast-paced morning garden walk-about, say good morning to Jasper, look at what's sprouted, then quick, in the car and go.

So I'm getting my early morning hours at home wish, I guess, although it's still night out. For the next hour and a half! I'm tucked away with coffee and laptop in the office so as not to annoy the sleeping. This is my first insomniac experience since losing Jas, so it's novel to be in here alone, without him and his sighing over how early it is and when are we going for a walk.

Provided I don't completely fry by noon, I should have a good long day ahead of me to get a ton of shit done, maybe even a stretch of time with my nose in a book -- now THAT would be lovely.

It's true that I have some mixed feelings about insomnia. Once in a while, like now, it's OK. The problem is that if I need to guard against its becoming habitual, which makes it then less useful. Because it eats away at my sunny-ness and clarity. And puts me on the path to migraine.

And what's it all about this sleeplessness? What's spinning the wheels? A stupid-long list.

I've tried really hard so far this year to be more discerning about my time and not take on so much, and that's working (although it feels a little lame sometimes).  Still, with a business, a building, a job, a house, a personal retirement to plan for, a yoga practice, a micro-farm, two hives of bees, a social life, two blogs, a kid, a dog (deceased), a sister with inoperable brain cancer and a passion for Jesus, parents, in-laws, Mother's Day, relations, oh a third blog now, and an insatiable curiosity to know and see and touch and read everything -- yeah, I've got a fair amount competing for my attention during the day, enough to overflow into the nighttime quiet and remove me from a deep sleep.

For a person like me, with a stupid-long list, when applied sparingly, insomnia is so helpful! Assuming it's just for today, then I welcome it with open arms. Thank you for the chance to get this list out of my head and on paper, and maybe with three extra hours of up-and-at-'em, I can actually make enough headway to sleep easier tonight.

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