Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I'm in the midst of a horrible spate of insomnia. Either I only sleep a couple of hours at a time, generally with awful dreams, with an hour or so of wakefulness in between. Every couple of nights I'll take one of the remaining Ambien from the chemo left-overs and be knocked out for 8-9 hours. That lets me catch up a bit. But today I am falling on my face a bit, unable not to work since our audit starts in less than a week and we're not ready, unable to work at full strength since I'm feeling so wobbly. Reconcile Balance Sheet accounts? Ok, I'll try, but really, I think I'll have to re-do most everything tomorrow.
One of the nightmares I had last night -- and let me be the first to say that reading Hunger Games at bedtime is probably not a good idea for me right now (thank goodness I'm only maybe 10 pages from the end of volume 3) -- was about me drowning. Repeatedly. I would watch myself wake up gasping for air, then I'd fall back asleep into the sharp realization that it was still happening. I've never had that dream before. And boy, I hope I don't have it again tonight. I don't know if it was really physically happening -- sleep apnea all of a sudden? -- or if it was just dreamed.
Drowning is one of my biggest fears.
And really, the dream-drowning is just a mirror of how I've been feeling lately, like I can't keep my head above water, paddle as I might. Just too much happening all at once, and I'm not in full possession of whatever faculties I might have possessed in the near-past, skills that helped me keep breathing no matter how deep things got.
That dream completely freaked me out.
And today I'm just exhausted. I felt fine yesterday (probably because of my Ambien-enforced eight hours). Today, just so wobbly, unable to concentrate, dreaming of one thing and one thing only: my pillow. OK, maybe two things, really: my pillow and my former wherewithal.
Here's hoping this passes soon. In the meantime, enjoying all this abundant oxygen, filling my lungs, savoring each breath.