Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Admittedly a smidge adrift...

The Queen is free.
Spring is here at last!
Despite my happy post of the other morning about being just 2, I had a weird moment this morning that I think bears documentation.

Really, it's an exciting time.  I had my house professionally (or so I'm told) cleaned on Monday, Joe and I are pretty much together every moment that we're not at work or that I'm not at yoga, the garden is getting underway, and the Queens of our new hives at home and at the shop are free of their little package-cages and getting down to business.  The sun is finally shining almost every day, and Spring really does feel like it's here after a long dreary painful winter.

That's all great.

Still I had this moment this morning, standing in my kitchen making coffee for the road, when I suddenly felt completely without clear purpose, un-moored entirely.  It is just so very, very weird to be without parenting duties of any kind, to not have a dog around whom to center my daily comings and goings.

It feels empty, honestly.

And less bright, like a big beam of unconditional love is now just out, gone, no longer shining on me full blast all the time.  It's still super sad but now in a different way, a way I just need to learn to live with.

And no, I'm not about to get my period, so this is not hormones.  I wish that were the case since then I could more easily observe the sensation and let it go.

No, this is something else, coming to me at a time when I can't blame my biochemistry.  This weird, hollow purposelessness is right beneath the surface of pretty much every experience right now.

I dislike it intensely, wish to dig it out of myself completely, be rid of it, but I'm having trouble shaking it.  And I'm sure I'm becoming burdensome, with my frequent missing-Jasper crying jags and moodiness.

So I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, but just to be OK with it if that's what it is (even though I HATE it and wish it gone).

I'm hoping sleeping more will help and also undertaking a dietary change in May.

But really, maybe the problem is just that a broken heart just takes its sweet time mending itself, no matter how impatient I am. There's nothing I can do to make it go faster, no project I can undertake that will alter the facts, the gaping absence. Just time.


Janna said...

Time heals the wounds that no one can see (Todd Rundgren)

Ariane said...

Thanks, Janna. You're such a love! XX