Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sweetness: it's been 5 weeks and my heart is still broken

I went on the Neighbies walk this morning.  I felt restless at breakfast, so decided to go out and walk around the neighborhood taking the well-worn path that Jasper and I always took.

Before leaving, I stopped by Jasper's stone (aka, Jass Stone) and left him a little bite of bagel just like old times.  I left it sitting there, after wishing Jas good morning, in hopes that soon a squirrel will pop down and snatch it up. We'll see.

So the walk was maybe not such a good idea.  Let me just say that maybe it's gotten a bit easier but this still hurts just so much.  I miss him so much.  I realize now that I always saw our neighborhood through the mist of Jasper's cuteness.  Without him, it's just not cute at all out there.  Nowhere close.

I am trying to honor his memory by being happy.  I am trying to honor his memory by taking interest in everything in the way that he did -- that inconspicuous shrub over there might have a great message to impart, a really good smell, too!  that bird walking on the grass might have something to tell me, let me just run over and find out! -- but it's hard to walk with his ghost, to turn involuntarily looking for him over and over, walking this groove that we grooved together for so long.  

Yes, I admit that I cried pretty much the whole way, relieved the garbage men who knew him so well didn't ask me about him.  But a face full of tears does serve to keep people away, and communicate the loss loud and clear so that the question becomes unnecessary.

From this point in the day, kind of low and sad, I'm going to try something else for the rest of the day, to do his prancing tail-high trot, like when he'd found something delectable that filled his whole self with pride and joy, like the day he found the rabbit or the giant rawhide bone or a really good stick at the beach.  Like that.

Walking with his ghost and honoring his memory, missing him so terribly, loving him so much.

1 comment:

Sara said...

I'm with you sister. I still feel the same way after three months. Hang in there - every day feels a bit "better".