Monday, January 30, 2012

Be awesome when your friend has cancer

"Don't Be a Jerk When Your Friend has Cancer," recently posted on Elephant Journal and re-shared by my friend and writing teacher, Susanna Harwood Rubin, provides 6 practical tips for friends of cancer patients, 6 tips to avoid jerkdom.  Danielle Foushee, the writer, is an artist and yoga teacher who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in November 2011.  Look at her art on her website.  She's seriously awesome.

But her friends are assholes.

While I really appreciated her post, it also made me a little uncomfortable and sad --  because it brought up unhappy memories and also because I wished less anger for Danielle and more comfort.  And much better friends.  From the sounds of it, her friends suck.

Her six tips are (and please don't use this as your excuse not to read the original piece.  Click through the link above and Like -- give her some support, pretty please.  After all, as above, her friends are jerks):

1. Never say "If there's anything I can to help..." and leave it open-ended.
2. Don't make empty promises.
3. Don't run for the hills.
4. Don't disappear.
5. Don't dwell on the negative.
6. It isn't all about you.

As my husband's caregiver when he went through the horrifying process of diagnosis with lymphoma, followed by chemo, I learned a ton about friendship and love.  The diagnosis rocked us to the core, exploded the life we thought we had and put us on a totally unexpected path, one we never, ever would have imagined ourselves on.  He is the healthiest, strongest, fittest person around (ok, except maybe for other guys on his cycling team, Iron Data Thirsty Bear).  WTF, right?  It took some getting used to.  It took some adaptation.  But we figured it out.


And here's the deal: our friends were AWESOME through the whole process.  Sure, not everyone knew what to do, and once I got the hang of it, it got a lot easier.

Cancer is code for death.  That freaks most people out.  So they may want to help but they also don't quite know what to do, how to react, how to be of service.  They need structured guidance.

It really helps to be specific about what you want.  It helps even more to have someone do that for you.  Someone like me, obvy, but that's a whole other topic.  I can't imagine how anyone gets through a serious illness, let alone cancer, without a clear-eyed advocate on the sidelines.  But even I had moments of making it about me.  


The problem with cancer though is that it doesn't color in the lines.  If you're near it, it gets on you.  It IS about you, even if you're not the one with the tumor, but you have to keep that in perspective. It's challenging.

Here's my list.

Be Awesome when Your Friend has Cancer

1.  Don't Wait to be Asked.  If you have an idea for something you want to do, no matter what it is, Do it.  If it's making an advent calendar marking every last day remaining til the end of treatment, like our sweet friend Nancy did for Joe, cutting out pictures from magazines to cheer him, finding words to inspire him, then do it. Handmade things are super meaningful all the time, but especially precious when someone is suffering and can see that you worked for weeks on your project, holding him or her in your heart in the entire time.  This was super awesome when Nancy did it because she had probably met Joe all of once, if at all, before she came over to deliver this beautiful gift.  Awesome, right?  But if you're handier with a credit card than scissors, go for it.  We were so grateful for certificates for catered meals or packages of the world's best mac and cheese from Seattle (props, Sheri and Hilary).  Don't hesitate. Do!

2. Offer to Set Up and Manage a Meal Calendar.  Bringing food is an essential expression of caring, something most people are capable of doing.  But a person who is undergoing chemo shouldn't have to coordinate the comings and goings.  There are plenty of websites that make it easy, so Google it and go.  Not only does this take pressure off the caregiver to shop and cook and fill the fridge, but it's just a really great thing for the patient to look forward to, plenty of variety to keep things a lot more interesting than they might otherwise be.

3.  Keep Your Stories to a Minimum.  It's human nature, as a way of empathizing, to tell your stories of cancer to the patient, to talk about all of your brushes with death, all of your hospitalizations and illnesses.  But check that impulse and keep your stories to a minimum.  Talk about other subjects, not just illness, and try to keep the focus on entertaining your sick friend, making him or her laugh or light up about something, a shared experience, a future plan.  Try not to talk excessively about yourself.  After all, right now you're not the one with no hair, with the sallow face and sunken eyes or the chemo hiccups.  Ask questions.  Listen.

4.  Pick Up the Phone.  Some people told us after the treatment, when Joe was up and back to his usual self, that they hesitated to phone while he was sick, having heard about his illness through mutual friends, because they didn't want to invade privacy or presume.  Just pick up the phone.  It means the world to know that people are in your corner, regardless of how they heard you were sick.  Those expressions of caring go a long way to buoy a person's spirits.

5.  Visit but Not Forever.  People who are sick are just that: sick.  Their stamina is less than yours.  Plan a visit that lasts 60 minutes, for example, and then LEAVE.  Don't hang around forever.  That becomes exhausting.  Really, it's better to have two shorter visits than one really long one.  Come back again!

6.  Do Your Crying At Home.  This is key, something Danielle is talking about under her #5, Don't Dwell on the Negative.  Cancer is super-scary and super-sad, but please try to come over with a happy face on, having cried your eyes out at home.  It is really hard for the patient to have to comfort others over his or her current state.  Please bring joy with you when you come.  There's enough darkness and fear as it is.

It's so crazy for me to think that it really was two whole years ago.  Behind me, in the office, Joe is doing his interminable exercises right now, part of his PT for a cycling accident last March when a car turned in front of him, leaving Joe with a totalled bike, 4 broken ribs, a broken scapula, a broken clavicle and a punctured lung.  It's hard to remember that it wasn't so long ago really that he was so wan in color, always with a hat on to cover his cold bald head, always nauseous.

But not totally miserable. Because he had friends around (and family, naturally, I'm not leaving you out).  Good friends who found ways to show their caring at a time when it was most essential.  Friends who were awesome.

Don't be a jerk.  Be awesome.  It's so easy!

XX



1 comment:

Danielle Foushee said...

Please remove my name and reference to me from this. I am unhappy having my friends referred to as assholes, because it isn't true and it breeds negative energy. Thank you. Danielle