Truth is that I have been writing but not finishing things. I felt pretty spacey the first three days, fine on Day 4, more focused on Day 5. Oh, and on Day 5 I forgot to eat lunch -- just got too busy at my job -- so basically ate a salad and an apple all day. Except let's not forget that the salad had guacamole in it, since yes, an avocado is allowed if you feel you can't do without. Thank goodness for that. So glad to be able to eat one of my favorite foods on earth.
I'm sitting here, morning of Day 6, sipping lemon water, about to break one of my cardinal rules -- don't talk about your dreams the next morning -- except that I will be abiding by another one of my cardinal rules -- if you must, do it in 15 seconds or less, which requires the speaker to cut out any unnecessary chatter. In short:
I dreamed I was eating.
And not just eating, but eating things that are in the Avoid column -- some weird (invented) fried Ethiopian spoon-shaped thing from a stand at the corner of Castro & Market, where no such thing exists, while walking along in a hassock, plotting my route up Noe back to Liberty Street so as to avoid bumping into too many people I knew who might not understand that my current get-up was all part of my plan to slim down and join, at LAST, the circus.
There, I've said it. It's done.
The detox might be having the opposite effect on me that it's designed to have. No, I'm not gaining weight, silly. That would be impossible on a salad and an apple and some shakes in a day. But instead of developing a hankering for greens, I am finding them all a little repugnant, having more of that "well, if that's eating, count me out" reaction from earlier this week. I long for toast -- I'm not kidding -- I yearn for that taste of toasted wheat and seeds crunching between my teeth, for coffee with cream in it in the morning. Yesterday, I had a temporary madness for steak.
But still, this is good. I'm glad I'm doing it. It is definitely making me look at my food differently, and repugnance aside, I do think it's going to permanently (for a while, anyway) change how I arrange things on my plate. I do love my greens.
Joe said something I thought was so funny the other day. Oh, and I should mention that I might not have laughed at this last week. I do seem to have peed some of my reactivity out this week -- but it also could be the Martha Beck book I'm reading, too. Anyway, I was talking about my food, and he stopped and considered, then asked, "Um, you're not going to go vegan, are you? 'Cause that would really be a problem for us."
Before all the vegans [I almost left my typo in --> vagens, hahaha, I am 12] get their knickers in a twist, know that we were vegan for years, YEARS I'm not kidding, long before you were even born and before there were any resources for this diet choice. Seriously, for years. So I get it. But I know that for myself, I like to eat everything. I think about everything I eat, try to keep it copacetic for me and the earth, but I like to eat everything. Especially when I'm traveling. Then I always want to eat the food of the place where I am, a way of eating the culture and history.
The good news (you may disagree) is that there's no way this cleanse marks the start of a return to veganism for me. No way. What it's done, so far, is restored to me a sense of hunger for the things that I find truly delicious, the perfect piece of toast, a cappuccino, a delicious colorful mixed salad, quinoa (dreaming of grains), and yes, meat. I am doing without this week to re-set my system but with full intention to return to a varied, balanced, far-reaching diet.
One that won't mean divorce.
That's a joke. Relax. But what I'm happy about this morning in particular is that I feel lighter in spirit. I am letting things go much more easily this week and laughing where last week I might have scowled. Such a good feeling. One I want to keep, even after I return to the Land of the Eating.