Friday, September 24, 2010

the box of screaming

I'm back at work after three mostly blissed-out days at the Anusara Grand Gathering.  They were mostly blissed-out only because I had to check work email morning and evening, to track some crucial time-sensitive matters.  I've been thinking a lot both about the timing of my absence (not the most optimal) and about how difficult it was to disentangle myself, pull myself free for just four days.  Four days, not long right?

Anyway, I'm stealing a few minutes from this work-day to repeat here the description I used when one of my colleagues asked me about my time off and whether I was able to enjoy it.

I might have enjoyed it more, I replied, if checking my work-email hadn't been like opening a box of screaming.

I tried to close the box as quickly as possible, to let out only the bare minimum of shrill hysterics, but even opening that box a crack still killed my buzz.  It couldn't have been more at odds with where I was Monday - Wednesday in mind, heart and body. Very telling, indeed.

I'm back here now, catching up and processing the contrast between the Grand Gathering -- how happy, engaged, and inspired I felt in class, with the kula, with my friends -- and the reality of this job.  It's extremely important for me to keep this feeling fresh, to stay with it, to use it as fuel for my intentions.

The box of screaming is awful and when I'm inside it all of the time, I think I forget how loud and distressing it is.  Opening it from a distance made it clearer, again, and I can still hear it, am still listening. 

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