Friday, September 17, 2010

Pushing through, staying uncomfortable

Ever since I got back from Bali on August 1st, I've been alternately super-happy and super-sad.  I'm super-happy when I'm in class, when I'm with my friends, when I'm at school or in the woods or in the garden, basically always happy when doing the things I love.  But there have been long, long stretches -- Monday through Friday, basically, 9-5 -- when I have been seriously miserable, especially over the last three weeks.

This week has been particularly brutal as I get ready to be gone from work next week.  I'm stoked to be heading to the Anusara Grand Gathering in Estes Park (first time in Colorado, first time at such a big event!) but as usual, the week before going is so awful that I have, more than one time, seriously reconsidered taking off.

But I'm still going.

I started wondering when this started -- this pattern of the brutal lead-up week -- and how pervasive it is.  Does everyone go through this? I can only remember it at the present job, but that could be a product of handy selective amnesia.  I do know that it's been true consistently for four years with this job, that I wind up so beaten in the week-prior that I don't even want to go, that I wind up so beaten in the week-after that I forget I ever left.

I'm only going to miss 4 days, all right?  It's not like it's the end of the world.

So the hint of migraine I'm greeting with some recognition.  After all I've been in this spot a few times so I know what this is.  The absurd, overblown drama of the demands placed on me (almost punishing me for being gone, how could you), I am pushing through.  It all keeps me from complacency, keeps me from wavering from my purpose, that this, seriously, needs to change.  The good part is that it keeps me really clear.

OK, the bad part is that I cried on the way home yesterday, just so unhappy from the day, just so beat-up, so over it in so many ways.

The good part is that it keeps me really, really clear.

And whatever: I'm leaving Sunday morning for a big adventure in the Rockies with a huge group of Anusara yogis and yoginis.  That is going to be awesome.  So bring on whatever bullshit you have for me today, job.  My eye is on the prize.

* * * * *
Rumi says:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

—translated by Coleman Barks

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